this is quite an emo post. i just needed to get all the stuff off my chest before i implode. so dun read if u cant stand it. i'm not looking for pity. i just need an outlet.

i'm hell irritated with my mom
just cus i dun want to go overseas
is it a reason to find fault with everything i do???
just cause what i want and like is different from u is it a reason to scold me all the time?
i want to live my own dream
do what i think i'll like and enjoy
not do something just to please you and make you happy, follow your life plan for me
i dont want to be someone who lives your dreams for you
you say that i have no aspiration, no dream, no wish to be goood in future
but what i want to be, you do no think that its good enough
your dream for me is to earn a lot of money and do very well in my career
but have you ever thought, that all i want...is to be loved by my family and be happy
and love is something that i dont really get form you
u're always dissing me
saying that i'm lousy, i'm fat
u're never satisfied with me
no matter what i do
i'm never good enough for you
all my life
everything that i do
i always try to do my best
in some hope that maybe u'll be proud of me and happy with me
i was too naive
u'll never be happy enough with me
i'm always not good ebough
i never meet your expectations
and you always scold me
insult me
i try to treat you nicely
but you still favour the one who treats you like crap and seldom help you
just cus i always help you
so u take me for granted and scold me when i dun help??
and when tt one does help you its like...wa....big miracle and such a great help???
i'm the youngest
why do i have to do everything? i'm the one who's supposed to be the baby of the family
but i'm the one who has to help do all the work
people find it amazing that i'm independent
but its not like i ever had a choice..
i know that i n the past i wld always gladly help out cus i just wanted to spend more time with my parents and wanted them to notice me and pay attention to me
but it never worked
it was always him
your favourite child
u're only esp nice to me when he's away
or when he made you angry
only then do i feel that i'm close to you
but no matter what
i always feel like a spare tyre
a replacement cus you cant get what you really want
even though u always say tt i was the best child..the one who gave u the least trouble...but it still isn't enough
when u're not happy
i'm the punching bag
u just insult me, diss me, say i'm useless n all
what other ppl say
i can always ignore with ease
but for some reason
i can never do the same to ur words
ur words just totally cut me v deep
it hurts me
makes me cry
makes me wonder if its really my fautl, makes me doubt myself
n dad wonders y i have such low self-confidence, y i alwasy doubt myself
to others, they may think tt i'm ok and all
but inside
i really hurt all the time
but i cant always just go around with a sad face and cry all the time
so i try
i try to be strong, to ignore it all
but when i'm at home
it get sooo hard to do so
at least i have frens and a great boyfriend that make its all better.
you can scold me all you want for always going out
but i dont see the point of stay all alone at home in the empty house
since u're all always never at home anyway
so whats the point
at least when i go out, i feel better
i feel that frens
that i have someone who'll always be there for me, by my side no matter what
not like the parents. they were never there when i really needed them. that is why i never told them much things tt really mattered to me, y i'm not v close to them. cus they're never there. and when i do tell them. they find a way to make it such tt i my frens are bad or i'm doing something wrong. even when its meant to be something interesting...something tts like "just to tell u something tt happening in my life" kind of thing. and u always never listen. i'm never impt enough for u to listen to me speak finish what i want to say. something's always more impt than me...things like the clothes...the chores...i'm not more impt than them. u rather spend time on them than listening to me talk. tts y i dun bother.
darrel's the reason that i'm still sane
if not i think i'll really have lost my mind or become really depressed and self destructing some time ago
i'm mentally n emotionally not very strong
he knows and he's always there
he's there to mend my heart and put me back together when u rip me apart
he gives me strength to carry on and not just to wallow around and turn into a total hermit and loner
knowing tt he's around makes it all better
tts a reason why i love him
cus he's always there for me
i dun care what u all say bout him being short and not fit n all
he loves me for who i am, he take care of me, he respects me and what i want to do. i feel safe and happy with him. and i love him.
he's the main reason why i havent self mutilated myself.
i really love him. and i'm very very lucky to have a boyfriend like him.
it makes having a mom like u more bearable.